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Gems from the 'net: If Microsoft Made Cars

Tuesday, September 20th 2005

Here's another one that's been floating around the internet forever - you can tell by the references to Amiga and Windows 95. It just popped into my head today, and I figured it was worth posting.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Mr. Gates' comments, General Motors issued the following press release (by Mr. Welch himself, the GM CEO). If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
  2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motorway for no reason, and you'd have to stop, close all the windows, and restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this.
  3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.
  4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.
  5. Amiga would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
  6. Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.
  7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.
  8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.
  9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.
  10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
  11. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
  12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.
  13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.
  14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.
  15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.
  16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they don't own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!
  17. If you still ran old versions of car (ie. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!
  18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.
  19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganise the ignition for a few days before it worked.
  20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a motorway next to each other.
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