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The Ineffectuals, Part 5: Save Point

June 24, 2008 - -

I had to bring the story at least this far, because this is my absolute favorite part. If people are still enjoying it after this, I'll write some more, but currently, this is my high point.

It was looking very bad for the adventuring party of Ominous Buttcrack. All that stood betwen Ominous himself and a dual-weilding, bloodthirsty, high-level ogre warrior was a tiny armored man with zero experience points who could barely lift his huge sword. Brazen Blusterfuss was faring no better. She clung to the leg of another ogre whose sword gave new meaning to the word huge. He'd dropped that sword, and was now bent over, reaching between his legs for his halfling opponent. Blacksash was even worse off. His head having just been separated from his neck, he wasn't in much of a position to do anything.

It was time to go. Ominous turned his horse and dug in his heels. He hated leaving his companions, but it was a lost cause. He turned to look just as an ogre plucked Blusterfuss from between its legs, lifted her gingerly between thumb and forefinger, then pulled her arms off.

Pothole turned to run from the dual-weilding ogre, and provoked an attack of opportunity. As Ominous rode away, he looked back just in time to see the ogre's twin blades erupt from Pothole's chest, then lift him off the ground, hurling him high into the air. The ogre then turned to look at Ominous.

That's when Ominous felt a jerk and a sharp pain in the back of his calf. "Oh crap!" he yelled. "Twenty or death poison? I thought that stuff hadn't existed since second edi..." He slumped, and fell off his horse.


Blacksash and Ominous Buttcrack stopped on a craggy outcrop to survey the area.

"Wai... what the hell?" screamed Blacksash. "Did we just... were we just..."

Ominous looked around. He sat atop his horse, unhurt. Blacksash stood beside him, head still attached. Blusterfuss and Pothole stood partway up the hill, looking just as confused.

"I think... we just got killed." said Ominous, more than a bit shaken. "The DM must be giving us a do-over."

If Ominous looked shaken, then Blacksash looked downright earthquaked. "Bu... there's no... how could..." He fell to his knees. "So what is this? Some kind of... save point?" He put his hands on either side of his head, as if to make sure it was still attached, and lowered his head to his knees.

"What. The. HELL???" came a shrill voice as Blusterfuss bounced up the hill, followed by a wide-eyed blade-dragging Pothole. "Last thing I know a freakin' meatmonster's playin' love-me-love-me-not with my limbs, now we're out for a stroll? Tell ya, I'm freakin' confused!" Pothole was saying something too, but it was only a garbled echo. Nonetheless, his exasperation came across from his gestures.

"The DM seems to be giving us a do-over.", said Ominous. "I've got my once-a-day ability back, and we never rested. It's not really normal, but house rules being what they are, I guess we should take what we can get."

"Okay, great. So now what the hell we supposed to do? I'm not so hot on goin' back and givin' big boy meatfist and his twin a second shot."

"Let's think." began Ominous. "The ogres seem to be guarding the kobolds, who are living in that keep. Although, with that twenty or death poison, they don't need much guarding. I wonder where they got that."

"Probably knew some kobolds from Dragon Mountain.", Blusterfuss piped in. "So we headed back to town now?"

"No. We can't." said Ominous.

"The hell not?"

"If we turned around now just because we know what's ahead, that'd be metagaming. We should have no way of knowing about the keep and the ogres."

"So what? Let the DM dock us some XP for metagaming! Last I checked, I'm at zero. How 'bout you?"

Ominous paused for a moment, raising one eyebrow. "Point taken. I don't imagine we'll suddenly go to negative XP and turn into zombies should we turn bac..."

"Dungeon Master!" cried Blacksash, startling everyone. He was now on his knees with his fists in the air. "Dungeon Master! I am so sorry for having doubted! I have seen the light! I pledge myself to thee!" With that, Blacksash began to glow with a soft blue light.

Blusterfuss shook her head slowly in wide-eyed wonder. "Sooo... he's what now? A level 1 cleric of the DM?"

Sufficiently ridiculous? Hopefully you got half the kick out of it that I did.

Comments on The Ineffectuals, Part 5: Save Point
 
Comment Tue, June 24 - 11:22 AM by Frank
"So what is this? Some kind of... save point?"

Man I wish we had those in real life. The DM kicks my ass routinely and I never get a do-over!
 
Comment Fri, June 27 - 6:48 AM by The Dock
Don't recall too many of those in our days. Kestrel the Dagger is the only one that comes to mind.